The ‘relational checklist’

Here is a (long) list of questions to help you analyze your relationship. You’ll find a ‘positive’ section and a ‘negative’ section. However, just because you have only two negative aspects and ten positive ones doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is healthy: it’s possible that the two negative aspects carry 40% more weight than the positive ones.

This is a long list. Take your time to reflect.

Positive Analysis

• Do I feel loved by this person?

• Can I trust this person?

• Does this person make me feel important and special in their life?

• Do I feel respected?

• Do I feel appreciated? Does this person express gratitude toward me from time to time?

• Do I feel free to say “I love you” to this person?

• Do I feel free not to say “I love you” when I don’t feel it (or do I feel obligated when they say it)?

• Can I rely on this person in times of trouble? Do I feel supported?

• Do I actively respect, support, and value this person’s presence in my life?

• Does this person make quality one-on-one time for me?

• Do I want to spend quality one-on-one time with this person?

• Does this person sometimes include or integrate me into their social life?

• Do I sometimes include or integrate this person into my social life?

• Am I my authentic self around this person?

• Is communication open and smooth between us?

• Do I feel excitement and motivation from this person to acknowledge and discuss our relationship?

• Do I feel this person is open, enthusiastic, or willing to socially/publicly acknowledge and embrace our relationship? (I don’t feel like a secret or hidden lover.)

• Does this person inspire me to be the best version of myself?

• Do I have the mental, emotional, and physical energy to invest in my personal projects and other relationships when I’m not with this person?

• Do we have shared goals, interests, hobbies, and activities?

• Do I feel emotionally secure with this person? For example, am I comfortable being vulnerable, crying, expressing anger, fears, or insecurities with them?

• Do I feel okay saying NO to this person?

• Does this person intellectually stimulate me? For instance, do I enjoy discussing ideas and values with them, and do I feel a sense of camaraderie?

• Does this person physically stimulate me? For example, do I feel good in their arms, enjoy kissing, cuddling, or dancing with them?

• Does this person sexually stimulate me? For example, do I feel comfortable sharing fantasies, exploring mutual interests or kinks, or having intimate time together? Do I feel desired by this person? Are our libidos compatible? Do I feel good before, during, and after sexual interactions?

• Do I feel sexually respected? For instance, there’s no pressure or sense of marital duty. I feel free to make decisions about my body and explore my sexuality with or without this person.

• Does this person make me laugh? Do I have fun with them, and does time seem to fly when we’re together?

• Do I feel genuinely happy for their personal happiness or professional success? (I don’t feel competitive or inferior.)

• Am I happy for the joy they share with others? (I don’t feel unimportant or less special compared to their other relationships.)

• Am I happy when this person takes time for themselves, alone or with their friends or family?

• Do I feel I have control over defining, shaping, and evolving our relationship?

• Is there room to grow, explore, and try new things together? Is there flexibility to deepen, de-escalate, or redefine the relationship over time?

• Is there space in the relationship to express both my positive feelings and dissatisfactions?

• Are my desires and concerns heard and considered in the relationship? Do I see evidence of this in their actions and behavior?

Negative Analysis

• Do I neglect my personal projects to prioritize theirs?

• Do I feel I have to hide, repress, or deny parts of myself around this person?

• Do I feel taken for granted in our interactions?

• Does this person make it a big deal whether I say “I love you” or not?

• Do I miss them obsessively when we’re apart?

• Does this person belittle or devalue my other relationships?

• Do I feel like I have to guess or infer their needs, desires, limits, or fears?

• Am I often blamed for not meeting unspoken needs or expectations?

• Do I feel solely responsible for their emotional well-being in our interactions?

• Do I feel obligated to act as their main source of emotional support, even when I’m exhausted or stressed?

• Do I feel treated as a default partner or a “+1” in situations that don’t interest me?

• Am I demeaning or dismissive of their ideas, values, or projects?

• Do I feel drained, stressed, or anxious after spending time with this person?

• Do I feel there’s a lack of teamwork in managing or resolving conflicts?

• Do they guilt-trip me for not prioritizing them all the time?

• Does this person cancel plans last minute without valid reasons?

• Do I feel guilty about taking time for myself or pursuing things without them?

• Have I stopped maintaining independent relationships, merging my social life completely with theirs?

• Does this person encourage unhealthy behaviors in me?

• Do we have recurring, explosive arguments?

• Does it feel like my needs, limits, and desires are ignored?

• Is there avoidance from either side when addressing difficulties or having honest communication?

Conclusion

• Are there more positive than negative aspects in the relationship? Is it harmonious?

• Do I respect myself and remain happy investing in this relationship?

• Are there specific actions I need to take based on this relational assessment?