Knowing what to focus on during a date can be challenging—I get it. Should you pay attention to the person’s attributes, what they say, or something else?
My work with couples and single clients has shown me that focusing on yourself and how you felt during the date is a better predictor.
Here are some questions to help you make sense of it all, as cited in Logan Ury’s book How to Not Die Alone.
The Post-Date Eight
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What side of me did they bring out?
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How did my body feel during the date? Stiff, relaxed, or something in between?
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Do I feel more energized or de-energized than I did before the date?
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Is there something about them I’m curious about?
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Did they make me laugh?
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Did I feel heard?
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Did I feel attractive in their presence?
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Did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between?
“Knowing he had to answer these questions afterward, Jonathan started paying more attention to how he felt during the date. He started agreeing to second dates with guys who weren’t as impressive on paper but made him feel optimistic, attractive, and relaxed.
He was able to more quickly reject guys who had impressive backgrounds but left him feeling cold. He allowed himself to experience the date rather than “interviewing” the guy for the role of husband.”
Note from Kanica: Remember that dating is just data collection—you can’t gather all the information you need on a first date. It takes time and shared experiences in different contexts to truly get to know someone. Learn to tolerate the uncertainty at the beginning, as new relationships naturally come with a lot of ambiguity.
