“Before we can attempt closeness, we need to have security. Through his research, Dr.Levine has identified the five foundational elements of secure relationships, which he refers to as CARRP.
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Consistency (Do these friends drift in and out of my life on a whim?)
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Availability (How available are they to spend time together?)
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Reliability (Can I count on them if I need something?)
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Responsiveness (Do they reply to my emails and texts? Do I hear from them on a consistent basis?)
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Predictability (Can I count on them to act in a certain way?)”
Note from Kanica: Reread that first sentence: “Before we can attempt closeness, we need to have security.”
Before closeness, we need security.
Security is a prerequisite for closeness.
This sounds obvious when put this way, but every week, I find myself reminding a client that their reaction to someone is completely normal—because one of the five pillars of security is missing.
One of my clients was in a relationship for three years, during which he never got to spend more than 72 consecutive hours with his partner. She always had a valid excuse: her demanding job, her son, her dog, her ill father, the condos she owned, the traffic—there was always something.
My client thought he was being needy, when in reality, their relationship was failing to meet the second pillar of security: availability.
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve read Attached, but one of the lessons that sticks with me the most is this: we all have emotional needs, and suppressing them only harms us. I have needs, and I should own them.
Because if I don’t own them, I won’t take the steps necessary to fulfill them.
Having needs is not a weakness—it’s a sign of my humanness, a testament to my need for connection. ♥️
